Submission...

...that word strikes a nerve in most women! We have all been subjected to feminism, equality, independence, etc. I never realized just how much until I sat through a study called "Bringing Up Boys" (I have 5) by James Dobson. The video showed clips of commercials, sit-coms, ads, etc. that have bombarded our minds through the years and influenced the way we think. Even a popular 'bear' children's book series works to reinforce wrong thinking patterns. Who would've thought?

I started rebelling against authority at a pretty young age. I was raised in a very strict 'Christian' home and wasn't allowed to listen to music, go places, or do things that many of my friends were doing. Double standards were confusing... On occasional road trips, I would wake up from dozing to hear country music - only until it was realized that I was awake - then the channel would change... We didn't own a tv for much of the time that I was a kid. When we did get a 13" b & w, the main thing my brother and I were allowed to watch was old westerns. Soap operas would be heard - we weren't allowed to watch but Luke & Laura were my all-time favorites... 'Bewitched' and 'I Dream of Jeannie' were watched a lot BUT witchcraft and magic were not allowed. (I used to wish that I could wiggle my nose and make things happen - I hated chores and I had a lot of 'em!) Anyway, instead of submitting, I rebelled. Rebellion brought major consequences and in turn - I ran away - several times. I thank God for protecting me and preserving my life on more than one occasion!

I became a mom at a very young age - and raised my daughter without help from her father. It was a mutual agreement and I was fine with it. I knew I could do anything I put my mind to and she was the love of my life. After her 1st birthday, we moved out and lived with extended family - eventually getting out on our own - way before I was ready. I was not walking with the Lord at the time and was expecting another baby when my boyfriend told me he believed a certain way and was going to teach my children the same thing. The truth rose up inside of me and I knew it was time to do something different. I moved home. That brought more issues - lifechanging decisions were made in order for my daughter and I to live there and get the help we needed. Very traumatic things happened to all of us; me, my daughter, and my baby boy. The relationship had not ended as it should have between me and his father. I ended up getting pregnant again in that relationship and right before the baby's arrival, all hell broke loose. Things started coming to light that had been hidden and over the following months, I would fight for custody of my boys, have a physical breakdown from stress, see God come through for me at the very last possible moment, and be content with walking away from all of it - with no future support and a ticket to freedom with my children - parental rights were terminated for my boys' father. I was naive to think that my love for them would be enough to heal all of the pain. I also thought that life would be perfect if there were no (grown) men to deal with - I didn't have much respect for them after being in two sick relationships - one that ended in abandonment and one that was full of abuse - on many levels. I did respect my dad though. He accepted me for who I was and where I was at. He shared things with me in an uncontrolling way - that made me think - and I was able to make my own decisions guided by his wisdom.

Anyway - to the main point! Submission. Several times, I have come to realize just how important submission is. One time, someone ripped my husband off - but we still had to pay the debt that had incurred. It made me angrier than it did him and I made a retaliation on the 'for' line of my check. If he wasn't going to stand up for us - I would... I had good intentions - but - that was NOT the right thing to do. I don't know that he has ever been that angry with me - before or after that occasion. I learned a very important lesson. Submission - no matter how hard it is for me or what I think it is costing us or if I feel like kicking and screaming inside or my heart is breaking - is always best. The rejection I felt during that time was way too heavy to ever feel again.

Even so - many times it seems so unfair. My marriage is only still my marriage because God is a good God. He is faithful and His grace is sufficient. If it weren't for my trust in Him and His mercy on me... Deep hurts, disappointments, rejections, broken promises, etc. make it very hard to get my attitude in line to submit. I am learning that God's will for submission is beautiful as is His will for everything. Go figure - and it's not easy to learn either! I participated in a bible study about the women of the bible that makes it a little bit easier. They didn't lead easy lives for submission.

Something happened the other day and I was furious. I called a friend to pray and she in turn called me on submission. My heart broke - thank You Jesus. We talked at length and I decided to submit and keep myself in line. The next day, my husband said something that registered in my spirit. Had I come out of submission, that opportunity would have been missed. Today, we (me and him) talked at length. It is the first time in SO long that we have communicated and gotten anything positive accomplished. God is working - speaking - we are in tune - listening - and I can not wait to see what good God is going to bring from all of the turmoil we have been in for so many years. He has good plans for us - to prosper us and not to harm us - to give us hope and a future! All for His kingdom and His glory!!