Help me God!

I write with tears streaming down my face. I've already repented for the feelings that surfaced... I hate the cycle of my life and hatred is a sin. I was reminded of that today. Just two days ago, I was so excited for breakthrough on the horizon. The light that shines for the heart that holds on... Earlier today, the Lord poured more joy on me. I should've known something big was coming. But no - I basked in it while it lasted - obeyed what the Lord put on my heart to do - and went on with the day. I went and spent more time learning about Jesus and came back unprepared to face our disfunctional life cycle in full swing. I let things get to me that I should've let go. Trying to stay on an even keel was too much in my own strength. It's usually not until it's too late that I notice that I'm in my strength instead of God's. By the time I realize it may be an attack of the enemy - a ploy to get me off track - the deep emotional hurt and pain (that in a good moment seems so easy to choose to let go) has surfaced and then I end up acting out of my emotions - usually in anger.

Jesus made me free - after years of me trying to let go and be rid of something so ugly and painful - trying everything I knew to try... It was seemingly impossible but one day, Jesus took it - instantly! He healed me of unforgiveness and bitterness that I was holding against someone who hurt someone I loved very much. I had questioned why God would let something so horrid happen to someone so innocent. Only He could have made a difference and I didn't understand why He didn't. He did come through for us later but the damage had already been done. If only I knew then what I know now...

When He freed me, it was amazing - like nothing I had ever experienced before. Now I can't figure out why it is that I face the same issue in different situations? I ask for Him to free me again - I give Him my pain - my disappointment - my anger - I release it all. I choose to forgive, release judgment, walk in love - pretty much daily - yet for some reason, I fail the tests and pick it up again - only to have to repent, lay it down, and start all over again. I want to be completely free. TO LOVE - TO LAUGH - TO LIVE!!! I don't want to be hurt, disappointed, angry, bitter, unforgiving, and stressed. Why is it so hard to let go? It is always being thrown right back in my face. I'm tired of it. I want to love and I want to be loved.

Thank You Jesus for loving me no matter what - and right where I am in any given moment. Please make me free once and for all. I know the work is done - You said 'It is finished'. I want Your SHALOM from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. Everything healed and whole - my mind, will, emotions, and body. Nothing missing and nothing broken!! I want to live in Your peace and Your presence - in Your fullness - every moment of every day. Let me stop giving place to the enemy.